Who am I? Why am I here?

I remember the first time anyone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was in the eighth grade. My vice principal called me into his office to discuss my grades. I was an average student. I was also involved in athletics. Truthfully, I spent more time working on my jump shot than I did hitting the books. Academics were boring to me at the time. So when he asked me “What do you want to do when you grow up” I never thought twice about my answer. I said, “I am going to play professional basketball”. He smiled and replied, “What is your backup plan”. I was confused by this reply. I remember thinking to myself; Backup plan? Why do I need a backup plan man? I am going to play in the NBA. He knew some things I didn’t at the time. He didn’t discourage me, don’t get me wrong. He just knew that only a handful of the best players ever make it to play professionally. He knew that any number of things could happen to my initial plan and I would need something else to fall back on. He was trying to get me to think. Think about my future.

God knew before I was placed in the womb “who” He wanted me to be and “why” He created me. So, why has it been so hard for me to figure it out? Things happen in life to cause you to move in different directions. Sometimes God is in them and sometimes not. God gave all of us “free-will” to make our own choices. When we decide to move in one direction or another we also decide if we are going to “choose” to involve God in those decisions. The reason it has been so hard for me to understand God’s plan for my life is because at many decision points in my life I chose NOT to seek His guidance or direction. I made my choices based on my feelings at the time and did not consider future consequences. It may take weeks, months or years before you realize the consequences of not seeking God’s guidance. In my life, every time I made choices without seeking God’s will, they have all and I mean all brought about negative consequences. My decisions without God took me away from His plan for my life.

God can take those negative consequences and use them to teach us discipline, faith, and obedience. We can learn from our mistakes. We can learn if we are willing to ask for forgiveness for not seeking His will in the first place and ask Him to bring us back into His perfect plan. God wants us to live happy, healthy, productive lives. He also wants us to seek Him in everything we do. (Before we do it). So how did my NBA career turn out? Well, I never made it to the NBA. I also did not have a backup plan. You see after my meeting with my vice principal in eighth grade I did not make one. As a matter of fact I never thought about our conversation again until recently. It makes sense to me now. God placed this vice principal in my path at a point in my life where the decisions I made began to count. They would set the course of my later years. I didn’t understand that then. It was in high school when I first realized I would not be going to the NBA. Even after it was clear to me that I would not fulfill my dream of playing professional sports I still did not seek God’s guidance or put a plan “B” in place. It was at this point that I just began to float through life. I chose to handle life all on my own without a plan. I called all the shots. I made all the decisions. Life became a series of one bad decision after another.

As I look back over my life I see the blessings now. Things I took for granted over the years. Things I thought I did on my own. Now I realize God was right there all the time. He has been faithful to me even when I have not been to Him. He was providing and meeting my needs through every bad decision. Times when I thought I was all alone, He was there to comfort me. While I was busy complaining, He was busy providing. God got my attention this past year when I suddenly lost my job and almost everything else.

About a year before I lost my job I started rebuilding my relationship with God. This was no accident. For the first time in my life I prayed on a consistent basis. I was asking God to help me understand His plan for my life. I began reading my Bible. I found a church home. He quietly began answering my prayers and was gradually pulling me back in line in preparation for His future plans for my life. Part of His future plan for my life was meeting my wife. You see at the same time I was praying God help me understand His plan for my life I was also praying and seeking His guidance regarding a wife. I told God if I were supposed to be alone then so be it, but if I am to meet someone then He choose that person. He answered this prayer when I least expected it. I met, courted, and married my beautiful wife in the same year prior to losing my job. I was feeling pretty good about things. This getting my life right with God thing isn’t such a big deal after all. I have a beautiful wife, new car, new house on the golf course, a relationship with God, a church home, heck I am all set. Wrong!

I thought I had done everything I was supposed to do and I was on auto-pilot when everything around me seemed to start falling apart. Even though I invited Christ back into my life again, I never activated my faith. I never claimed God’s promises for my life. I never thought that in order for me to fulfill God’s plan for my life I would have to sacrifice everything material. Foolishly, I thought I was ready to begin (and fully expected to do so) receiving blessing upon blessing just because I asked God to show me His will for my life. Wrong again! In the past year I lost my job, my car, my house and I almost lost the love of my life. It took some time for me to understand that all my material possessions had to be removed from my life so that I had no distractions from God and His plans for my future. During the time it took for me to come to that understanding I reverted back to my old ways and made some bad decisions. Instead of falling to my knees and thanking God for what was happening I became angry. I chose to deal with my losses by pulling away from my wife. She remained steadfast and continued to pray for me constantly. At times it was almost more than she could bear. But she remained faithful. Faithful to God and me. In time we began praying together again and I began to realize God had to tear me down completely in order to rebuild me and equip me to carry out His plan for my life.

I found myself asking “Who am I” and “Why am I here”. Without realizing it over the years I allowed all the wrong things define who I had become. Since I had no real plan to begin with all those years ago and I did not choose to seek God in any of my decisions (until this past year) I had to be torn down and rebuilt. Not to date myself but it was sort of like the old television show “The Six Million Dollar Man”. Remember the intro where the narrator says “We can rebuild him. Make him stronger, faster than he was”. Well that is exactly what God had to do with me. Once I began seeking his plan, He began to make it known. I had to learn that jobs and material possessions did not define me. The Bible says “Where your heart is, your treasure is also”. I had to decide where my heart was. If my heart is with God then that is where my treasure will be. So I chose God. He is always there.

One final thought in closing. If you are going through a similar situation or know someone who is and either you or they are struggling with questioning God’s plan, I want to assure you God is real and He is a loving God. My wife and I went from a six figure yearly income, living in a nice home on the golf course, driving a new vehicle to being jobless, carless and homeless. We had so sell every piece of furniture, appliances, etc. We had no great reserves of money saved. I received a small severance package that is now depleted. My unemployment benefits are now depleted. When we lost the house and all our possessions we prayed about what to do next. We acquired an older model car which we packed with just the clothes that would fit and our two dogs and hit the road. We allowed God to lead us. Our plan was to go where God wanted us to be. Many nights we did not know where we would lay our heads. God faithfully provided a place every night. Most of the time we never stayed in the same place more than one night. We met some incredibly generous people along the way. Not only did we not know where we would sleep, we did not know where our meals would come from. God faithfully provided. We also had the dogs to consider. God again faithfully provided for their needs. When possible we would stay with family as we traveled across the country. We continued to pray diligently that God show us where he wanted us. We were led to a place where we did not know anyone or have any prospects of employment. Our prayers became more specific as we felt God calling us to this place. We prayed that if this is truly where He wanted us that doors begin opening. Again, God was faithful. He opened the doors we needed to find housing. Soon after we settled in He led us to a church home where we have met and continue to meet some amazing people. This story is now really just beginning as this blog entry is ending. We have started a new chapter in our life and our walk with God.

It has been an amazing journey over the past year to say the least. We have experienced God’s provision in a way that would never have been possible if we had played it safe and chose not to follow His calling on our lives. By stepping out in faith and trusting Him completely and not leaning on our own understanding God is giving us a tremendous story to share.

Isaiah 60:1 (TLB) “Arise, My people! Let your light shine for all the world to see! For the glory of the Lord illuminates from you.”